Feature My Savior Gazing Back at Me By Dr. Steve Benson “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1 O
ur two children played upstairs while I sat on the couch exhausted. The seven-month emotional rollercoaster of facing cancer had taken its toll.
“I can’t go on. It’s too much,” I told my wife with my hands over my face. “I don’t know. I don’t know. . .” My chemo brain wouldn’t let me get the words out. “I’m. . . I’m . . .” Through the tears, I looked up.
Krista, my wife, gazed into my eyes, “Honey, you are feeling powerless.” She said the word I didn’t want to utter—powerlessness.
Cancer Treatment The doctors discovered a four-inch cancerous mass that had metastasized into many lymph nodes in the left rectum wall. I had a 50/50 chance of it staying local or spreading to other organs. If the cancer spread, I would be terminal. intravenous chemotherapy. This entailed six hours of treatment along with a chemother- apy bag that dripped medicine into my veins for forty-six hours. I experienced extreme constipation and pain followed by chills, muscle spasms, weight loss (44 pounds), and fatigue. The pain was great, the exhaustion was greater. I was depleted emotionally, spiri- tually, physically, and psychologically. Powerless!
Fear Makes My Faith Go Sideways. Powerlessness is defined (though more complex) as a state of being trapped, threatened, or weakened by something greater than oneself. The circumstance, person, or inner turmoil endangers the soul’s safety to- wards hopelessness. Over the years, I struggled through experiences of powerlessness in my
became a reality. I found myself wrestling with it on a deeper level. When we feel powerless, our self-protection displays itself in two men- talities: the victim guy or the tough guy (or girl).
As the victim guy, I believe that everyone is against me. I say, “Woe is me. Nobody wants me.” I blame ev- eryone else for my issues. I stop taking responsibility for myself. I become critical and cynical of others (and myself) which leads to depression. As a result, my life has no meaning except survival. My victim mentality devours faith and sabotages hope. I become stubborn and contemptuous if anyone stands in my way. And if I make it through, my character sabotages hope. In either direction, powerlessness conquers our faith. It sabotages grace. Fear makes us cower in unbelief rather than shelter in an all-powerful God. Fear made my faith go sideways!
26 The Associate Reformed Presbyterian
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