I invited her to do an experiment, prompting her to move her chair in front each person’s role; as inquirer, my client’s mother’s role was to listen to and reflect what her daughter shared with her. Most people listen and respond from their own position (often defensive), rather than reflecting what they hear and asking the speaker (the initiator) to say more. As her mother reflected her feelings, my client shared more. My client moved from anger to sadness, the more vulnerable feeling underneath. My client’s mother was moved to tears as her daughter told her how much she misses her. This was a pivotal moment in therapy.
Over time, my client’s parents learned to manage their anxiety about what others would think about their daughter’s (quite developmentally for and delight in their daughter. Rather than focusing on her as the family system in general. They learned to be curious about each other’s emotions, to tune into them, and to respond rather than react from a defensive stance.
were off limits to them as children. Just as my client covered sadness with anger, her mother covered anger with anxiety. Over time, my client’s mother learned to tune into her own emotions. As she took ownership for her anxiety and tended to that, she was more available for her daughter, exploring her daughter’s emotions, being present in the moment, and connecting with her.
The Power of Wonder When we are willing to be spontaneous, vulnerable to intimacy, and to notice and respond to the nuances of ourselves and others, we make room for progress. Children need relationships for optimal emotional, and neurological health (Fraser, 2014), yet no one experiences perfect parenting. However, within reliable good-enough relationships and environments that nourish wonder, children learn that they and those around them are not perfect, but they can still be spontaneous, intimate, and autonomous.
The here-and-now is the only moment that matters for relating and connecting to others in a truly meaningful way. It is where relationships are experienced and nurtured and through which our very concept of self is born. Wonder can be preserved across the lifespan. In fact, the creation of a loving, nurturing society depends on it.
References
Wonder. The American Historical Review, 102(1), 1-26. Wonder, the rainbow and the aesthetics of experience. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
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Fraser, T. (2014). How neuroscience can inform play therapy practice with parents and carers. In E. Prendiville & J. Howard, (Eds.), Play therapy today: Contemporary practice with individuals, groups and carers
Fuller, E. (2006). Wonder: From emotion to spirituality. Chapel Hill, NC: The University of North Carolina Press.
Landreth, G. (2012). Play therapy: The art of the relationship (3rd ed.). New York, NY: Routledge.
Changing lives through redecision therapy. New York, NY: Grove Press.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Emily Ruha Keller, PhD, LPC-S, RPT, works in private practice in Pittsboro, NC, where she lives with her husband and four boys. She is passionate about incorporating play at a community level. Currently, she is helping establish a local Raising Peacemakers club. She is also a consultant for the Social Justice Theater of the Carolinas.
emily@feelingtogether.com
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