Be Assertive Depending on your conflict style, assertiveness will require either talking more directly or talking with more kindness. It is important to remember that bullying people into accepting your opinion isn’t being assertive. Further, bottling up your emotions and thoughts
oſten leads to passive-aggressive behavior. Learn to keep short accounts and speak up immediately when you sense tension rising within you. Don’t let things fester. Rather, express your thoughts and feelings directly while it’s fresh on your mind. Do the work to develop this skill, whether it requires
speaking up when you wish to be silent, getting to the point faster or listening when you want to speak.
Stay Focused Keeping a conversation moving forward productively is an ability that is perfected over time. Skilled negotia- tors learn to focus only on one or two specific reasons the group needs to get a task done. Anything more than a few action items can itself be a distraction. If a conversation goes sideways, the experienced
negotiator backtracks to figure out what exactly went wrong. Ten the distraction can be acknowledged and addressed before the group moves forward once more. Tis is called, “staying out of the weeds.” Te bottom line here is to stay on course. Don’t get sidetracked with matters that are not directly related to the prob- lem you’re trying to solve.
Know Yourself As the one leading a group through a time of conflict, you don’t want to be blindsided by an extreme emo- tional reaction, especially not from yourself. A skilled negotiator is aware of who they are down deep, what is likely to make them react strongly and how to use their own tendencies for the good of the group. Look at your own strengths with honesty and sober
judgment. I recommend taking a personality test (like DISC, Myers-Briggs or Enneagram) to help you begin to know yourself and your own strengths and weaknesses better. Your conflict style is likely directly correlated to your personality profile. Your communi- cation tendencies are a result of your “hard wiring.” Tis is how God made you, so “know thyself” enough to understand why you tend to approach conflict the way you do.
To best serve your team, consider these tips for
self-awareness: • Have empathy for others. • Understand what is motivating you. • Use self-regulation in your conversations.
• Remember that everyone is still learning, so show grace.
• Keep in mind that during a negotiation, emotions can reduce our ability to act wisely. Be sober-minded and self-controlled.
Know Your Team How can a group of people with the same basic values and end goal completely disagree on how that goal should be accomplished? Because we are all unique. Aſter determining your own conflict style, take time
to think about the conflict styles of those on your team. Te more passive people need more direct communication. Aggressive folks must work on kinder communication. (See the sidebar on page 41 for more details on conflict styles.) My good friend Anita would avoid conflict at all costs, while I like diving headlong into the fray. I learned that if I communicate in Anita’s preferred style, things go better. Being that Anita is a “compliant ana- lyzer” personality (DISC Assessment), she wants us to be cautious, careful and conscientious. I’ve learned to give her more details, more facts and specifics to help her understand the rationale for the outcome. At the same time, Anita learned not to overwhelm
me with too many details. She found that if we could get to the bottom line quickly, our negotiations would be much more successful. We learned to accommo- date each other’s preferred communication style.
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