JANUARY 2022
I have spent a lot of time searching for the right church and the most meaningful ways to allow my faith to impact my life. I didn’t realize how faith would carry me through anything, even a brain tumor.
My writing was interrupted by yet another physical test. A few days after Christmas 2016, I went to the emergency room with severe stomach pain. I knew something was seriously wrong when the CT-scan technician couldn’t even look me in the eye following the test. After numerous tests and more liminal time, I learned that I had a basketball-sized abdominal tumor. I had open abdominal surgery to remove it, along with all of my reproductive organs. Te tumor was so large that the surgeons could not agree on its origin so they opted to take out everything. I spent two months on my couch, during the first weeks waiting for the blood results to find out whether or not this was cancer. I told family and friends that I was nostalgic for the time when all I had to worry about was a brain tumor.
Te abdominal tumor was completely benign, and I did not have to endure further treatment. I did have to endure five more years of MRIs and CT-scans, with follow-up exams every time they revealed even the slightest blip. At times it felt like too much. I continued the practice of journaling and daily prayer, begun while waiting for my brain tumor diagnosis. Tis practice helped me to make sense of the new diagnosis. I returned again and again to Jesus’s advice: “Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing” (Luke 10:41). Te one thing clearly has nothing to do with earthly achievements or even physical health.
As musicians we are so often plagued by perfectionism. Our training focuses on technical perfection and stylistic integrity, with communication often taking a distant role. My tumors have taught me that I should use my voice to inspire others and to make the world a more beautiful place. I have a freedom as a performer than I lacked before this happened. Now that I have accepted that my singing will never be perfect, I am free to express myself in a more authentic way. I am grateful that I still inhabit the body that houses my voice, and I hope to sing whatever I can for as long as I can.
My life as a singing teacher has also changed. I find myself both more and less patient with my students. I am more empathetic towards their emotional and
“It is a great gift to endure a trial, because it changes us forever and brings us closer to God’s image.”
physical challenges because I know we are all sailing our own little boats through life, just trying to stay afloat when life tosses us about on its waves. If we can show grace to others, we might find it easier to show ourselves the same grace. I am less patient in that I want them to seek excellence now, not wait for some day in the future. We all have less time on this earth than we realize.
At this writing I am celebrating eight years since the initial diagnosis. My doctor reassures me that the more years that pass without incident, the less likely it is that the tumor will recur. Tis is, of course, great news. But it doesn’t change the facts of my life. I now know that control is an illusion, fear is a waste of energy in most cases, and grace is available everywhere we look. “Because he himself was tested by what he suffered, he is able to help those who are being tested” (Hebrews 2:18). In our suffering, we are both helped and transformed. It is a great gift to endure a trial, because it changes us forever and brings us closer to His image.
Dr. Lynn Eustis is Director of Graduate Studies in Music and Associate Professor of Voice at Boston University, where she has been on the faculty since 2012. Her books Te Singer’s Ego, Te Teacher’s Ego, and her
newest book, A Singer’s Epiphany, are available from GIA Publications, Inc. She performs frequently as a soloist and also sings with the Choir of the Church of the Advent in Boston.
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