Why: Uncovering Motivations
Understanding the “why” behind behavior is critical. Why is the other person upset? Why are they communicating the way they are? Why are they focused on you? Why is this issue important to them? Similarly, reflect on your own “whys”: Why are you responding the way you are? Why is this an issue of concern? Why are you involved? And be aware, there is often a “why behind the why.”
For instance if a resident is upset about new parking rules, is their frustration based on being inconvenienced, or a sense of exclusion from the decision-making process? Understanding their “why” and yours helps you address the root cause rather than just the surface complaint.
What: Clarifying Influencers, Inhibitors, and Goals
The “why” helps to inform the “what,” What fears, frustrations, or needs drive the other person’s behavior? What are the contributing factors? What are your abilities and limitations in this situation? What outcomes would resolve the conflict for all parties? What needs to be done to achieve the goals? This stage involves understanding both the “why” and “what” of the situation so clear, achievable objectives can be identified.
How: Implementing Solutions
The “how” is about action. How can you implement the “what” to address the “why” and achieve resolution? This step requires adaptability and creativity and is solution oriented.
While creating and implementing resolution strategies can be challenging and requires effort, the payoff is significant: addressing root causes and preventing future problems. By aligning the “how” with the “why” and “what,” you can create relationships of respect, trust, and collaboration.
The Power of Respect: A Transformational Tool
As a police officer and hostage negotiator I’ve seen disrespect escalate a minor dispute into volatile conflict and violence. Conversely, I have experienced how respect, even in the face of anger and hostility, can calm people and foster cooperation. And, as a community board member I found leveraging the power of respect to be just as impactful.
Respect manifests in:
• Intentional Communication: Encompasses all elements of communication: words, volume, tone, facial expression, posture, and eye contact, ensuring they remain civil, respectful, and focused on addressing the issue of the conflict, not the personality or character of the participants.
• Listening Without Interrupting: Demonstrates respect by showing you value the other person’s dignity and viewpoint and want to work cooperatively to find resolution.
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• Maintaining Professionalism: Avoids responding emotionally to aggressive behaviors or language and instead models the respectful behavior you want for the interaction.
• Acknowledging Differences: Involves discussing differences honestly, exploring their origins, and seeking ways they can coexist harmoniously.
• Acknowledging Contributions: Recognizes valid points raised by the other person, even if you disagree with their overall position.
CONCLUSION: FROM CHAOS TO CALM
Conflict doesn’t have to be destructive. Marriage crisis averted. In fact, conflict can be a catalyst for building a more harmonious and respectful community for all. Understanding perspectives, mastering self-control, and communicating intentionally lay the foundation for empathy, collaboration, and cooperation, transforming chaos to calm.
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