Through these experiences, the transformative power of respect for self, others, and situations became the foundation for practical strategies to influence others and resolve conflicts. These strategies include understanding perspectives, self-control, and intentional communication.
Understanding Perspectives: Empathy, The Gateway to De-escalation
When conflict arises, it’s easy to get caught up in our own emotions and viewpoints. But here’s the problem: the other person is doing the exact same thing. They assume you understand their perspective just as you expect them to understand yours. These assumptions can fuel miscommunication, create frustration, escalate tension, and hinder productive dialogue.
A fundamental insight learned as a crisis negotiator is this: Behavior is driven by a person’s perception of reality. Perceptions are shaped by circumstances of the moment, personal experiences, culture, and other factors which can differ widely from one person to another. What might seem inconsequential or unreasonable to you might feel critically important or entirely justified to another person. Empathy is the ability to understand another person’s reality in the moment. It does not mean agreeing with or supporting their perception; rather, understanding their reality is a powerful tool for de-escalation and opens the gate to collaboration.
Use empathy to bridge the gap:
1. Be Genuinely Curious: Engage with a sincere intent to understand their concerns and perspective. Ask clarifying questions to gain deeper understanding.
2. Respect Their Feelings: You don’t have to agree with their point of view to acknowledge it’s important to them. Saying, “I hear that this is important to you,” shows empathy without conceding your stance.
3. Shift the Focus: Reframe the conversation from “me versus you” to “us versus the problem.” Use depersonalized language to focus on the issue, not the person. For example, instead of framing statements as “my” or “me” or “I,” refer to “the policy, rule, or standard.” Similarly, instead of “you” in reference to the other person, focus on “everyone” or “no one” who is subject to the standard or requirement. Neutral language shifts the focus off individuals and onto the issue, opening the door to collaborative problem-solving.
The Art of Self-Control: Mastering Your Emotions
A cornerstone of conflict resolution is that you cannot de-escalate someone else if you are escalated. In tense situations, emotions can cloud judgment and derail intentional communication. Composure isn’t just about controlling emotions; it’s about retaining self-control and clarity so you can influence the interaction in a positive direction.
54 | COMMON INTEREST®
It’s essential to understand that you can only control your own thoughts and actions; everything else is influence. Awareness of this brings the realization that no one can make you angry or upset unless you allow them to influence your thinking. Similarly, while you cannot control another person, you can use empathy to understand their perspective and influence them to be less confrontational and more cooperative.
Here are actionable steps to help manage your emotions:
1. Pause and Think Intentionally: Recognize when emotions are influencing you and reclaim your power by intentionally focusing on the issue, not the person’s verbal attack.
2. Don’t Defend Against Personal Verbal Attacks: It’s natural to want to respond to disrespect and insults but doing so shifts the focus from problem solving to character attacks and escalates the conflict. Instead, stay composed and redirect the conversation back to the issue at hand.
3. Reframe the Relationship: View the other person not as an adversary, but as a collaborator who is currently struggling. Your role is to guide them towards cooperative problem solving, not addressing character or personality.
Intentional Communication: Influencing Through Respect
Words are powerful and can ignite a conflict or diffuse it. The key is to communicate in a way that aligns with the principles of respect for yourself, for the other person, and for the situation.
1. Ask Information Seeking Questions: Understanding what is driving someone’s behavior provides valuable context and helps you address the underlying issues rather than reacting to what appears on the surface. For example, a homeowner’s aggressive tone might stem from a specific issue, a deeper frustration with community policies, or stressors in their personal life.
2. Frame Your Responses to be Non-Judgmental: Use neutral, respectful language. For example, instead of saying, “You’re wrong,” try something like, “That’s a different perspective, help me understand it” or “Let’s review the facts together to clarify.”
3. Empower Collaboration: Encourage constructive engagement by asking questions like: “What solutions do you think could work for everyone involved?” or “How do you see us accomplishing that?” Information-seeking questions create an alliance approach that shifts the focus from blame to finding solutions.
The Why-What-How Framework
The Why-What-How framework is a powerful tool for addressing conflict. Proven in high-stakes crisis negotiations, it provides a structured approach to conflict management.
• Spring 2025 • A Publication of CAI-Illinois Chapter
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