“Second to our stage is Fritz the German Shepherd! Fritz, come on out here!” Jerri calls out. A large German Shepherd trots dutifully on to the stage, then circles a blue dog bed and sits in it at attention.

“Last but certainly not least, please welcome Rex the Alaskan Malamute!” Jerri cries with glee. A fluffy Alaskan Malamute gallops on to the stage, darts around, panting with excitement and tries to jump up on Mitzi until Steve pulls Rex off, leading the dog to a yellow pet bed.

“Spots, Fritz and Rex, I want to thank you all for taking time out of your busy days to be here with us today.” Jerri says. “I know you were told you were invited here to audition for a dog food commercial, but that’s not 100% accurate. In reality, you are here because each of you has been accused of depositing some… um, items… onto Mitzi’s lawn. What do you have to say for yourselves?”

Spots barks with seeming pride. Fritz lays down and places a paw over his nose. Rex makes a move to jump off the dog bed and is restrained by Steve. The audience laughs.

“No one is going to admit it, huh?” asks Jerri. “Well have no fear because here on the Jerri Springer Spaniel show, we have a lab who has already analyzed an offending sample collected from Mitzi’s front lawn, using the Doggie Doo Identifier kits brought to you by Hasbone.”

The audience claps with anticipation as a stagehand passes a large manila envelope to Jerri who taps it against his microphone.

“Mitzi, we have here the results of the dastardly droppings and will share them with you today,” Jerri promises Mitzi. “But first, who do you think it is?”

The audience immediately erupts into various shouts of all three dogs’ names. Mitzi looks at each of the dogs as if weighing who was the guilty party. Before she can answer, Spots barks again and is answered by a low growl from Fritz. Rex takes that as a cue to leap from the dog bed and hightail on over to Spots. The two start scrapping and are quickly joined by Fritz. The crowd eats this up and chants, “Jerri! Jerri! Jerri!” as Steve attempts to wrangle the dogs apart. Spots breaks loose of a hold and jumps onto Mitzi’s lap, almost knocking her backwards in the chair. More security guards run onto the stage and tussle with the dogs for a few minutes. Cameramen rush to record the action, bumping into each other in the melee.

A cacophony of barking and huffing erupts, egged on by the audience who are chanting Jerri’s and Steve’s names with glee. Finally Steve and his security team are able to

separate the dogs and lead them back into their respective dog beds.

“OK, let’s cut to the chase and find out who the olfactory offender is!” cries Jerri authoritatively. He rips open the envelope and pulls out the first piece of paper. He adjusts his glasses as he peers at the page. “According to the results provided by Doggie Doo Identifier, the offending sample was provided by a healthy male dog, aged 3-6 years. We compared the sample from Mitzi’s lawn to samples collected from each of our canine guests and had the lab test them for similarity.”

Jerri puts the piece of paper aside and pulls out another page from the envelope. “This is the analysis done on a sample provided by Fritz the German Shepherd.” Fritz looks up at the sound of his name and opens his mouth in a doggie grin.

“Fritz…” Jerri says as he scans the page. “You are NOT the maker of malodorous mischief in this instance!” The crowd cheers and Steve leads Fritz off the stage and away, his tail wagging triumphantly behind him.

Jerri pulls another piece of paper from the official-looking envelope. “This is the analysis performed on the sample provided by Spots the Dalmatian.” Spots barks as if full of doggie derision at the whole exercise.

“Spots…” Jerri says after briefly reading the results. “You are NOT the doody-dropper of the day!” The crowd cheers and Steve tries to pull the Dalmatian off the stage; Spots on the other hand, has decided he likes the limelight and breaks away to run back to Mitzi and the wildly applauding audience. Two security guards corral Spots and guide him off the stage.

When all settles down, Jerri, Mitzi and the audience turn to the last remaining pooch on the stage. Rex looks up as if pleased with the attention, the dog’s tail a blur as it wags excitedly.

“Rex, Rex, Rex,” Jerri admonishes. “Did you leave the putrid package on Mitzi’s lawn?” Rex sneezes disdainfully as Jerri tsk-tsks. The crowd begins to chant “Jerri! Jerri! Jerri!” until he interrupts them.

“However….” Jerri urges loudly. “The initial lab report indicates that the sample was left by a healthy male dog… Rex, do you have something to tell Mitzi, the audience, and our viewers at home?”

Rex chuffs and rolls over exposing a soft underbelly and… the fact that she is not a male dog! The audience gasps and Mitzi covers her mouth in surprise.


• Spring 2020 • A Publication of CAI-Illinois Chapter

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